Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
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once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
just got my engagement photos
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.