Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
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*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
From my Mom
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries