Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

I have never related to a cat more

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what