Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?