Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.