Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂