barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.