Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

WTF IS THAT!

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

You’ll be OK

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.