Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?