Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

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Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.


Appreciate how some people don’t come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.


[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm


Because ‘brunch’ sounds better than ‘I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.’


9: do they drink beer in heaven?

Me: I kinda doubt it…

9: does somebody check for it at the gate?

Me: …


Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.


People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can’t even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.


batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?


I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit