@skullpuppy11

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

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@margolundy

Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.

@prtxt

Appreciate how some people don’t come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.

@daemonic3

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

@Mirth_Quake

Because ‘brunch’ sounds better than ‘I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.’

@jbringsmayhem

9: do they drink beer in heaven?

Me: I kinda doubt it…

9: does somebody check for it at the gate?

Me: …

@markleggett

Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.

@StormErika

People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can’t even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.

@TweetsByKaylee

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit