Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Saturday
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”