Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed