Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

become ungovernable

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.