Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Covid like

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

When I sing in the shower the water turns cold

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.