“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.