“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out