“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is