“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Autocarrot sucks!
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.