Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Sorry not sorry.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?