Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me