Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
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First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.