Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*