Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

incredible

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

My beach vacation Google searches

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

me 2 months after i graduated

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church