Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit