Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy