Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

any last words?

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.