Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

being a writer on Twitter:

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

Be vigilant

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.