Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

The Weeknd is back

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

How to draw a duck

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now