Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who named him groot and not spruce lee

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

Frankenstein?

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*