Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.