Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Shower sex be like:

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.