Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

me, after any kind of buffet.

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.