barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Guys, I found it.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.