BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
where the womens at?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??