Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?