Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

ibopfufen

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady