Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Single worst piece of software ever invented

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”