Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*