Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

oh u like history? name everything that happened

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.