Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
when you don’t want to be too vague
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”