Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

Brb my Sims are getting married

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today