Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.