Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

Mmmm. Shoeshi

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

Me, in DM rooms…

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.