Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

definitely did not do anything wrong

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

I’m an avid indoorsman.

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.