Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Carpe DM

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.

Raisins are grape jerky.

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

Oh yeah that’s it

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Yeah. This was me today.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.