Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.