BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
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BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident