Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

🤣

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers