Baristas need to make a living wage because every time I work up a rapport with one enough to give me a friends & family discount, they end up leaving for a higher paying gig and I’m back to full priced lattes
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According to math, I’m broke
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Raisins are grape jerky.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk