Baristas need to make a living wage because every time I work up a rapport with one enough to give me a friends & family discount, they end up leaving for a higher paying gig and I’m back to full priced lattes
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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
the short answer to this question
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠