Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

lmaaaaaooooooooo

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

Doug is just Canadian for dog

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you