@jaaaaaayyyyyyyy

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

- @jaaaaaayyyyyyyy

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@pleatedjeans

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

@Elizasoul80

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

@joejwest

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
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ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

@retreminy

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

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@DanLaMorte

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

@SonOfCha

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

@ceejoyner

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

@Turbo_Jimmy

UK – We call it Autumn, from the French word “autompne” and later, the Latin “autumnus”

USA – WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN

@TheToddWilliams

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ?I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ?Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ?In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

@_wendyb07

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.