Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …