*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued