Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.