[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
he’ll never suspect a thing
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
