[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
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Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.