Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

58.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”