barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
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– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.