Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

My favorite female superhero

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered