barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

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Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.


Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean


Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.


*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”


5yo: I can’t wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you’re here from the future to save the world.


*watches the ring*
The ring : You will die in 7 days
*slides her a 20*
Me : Make it 3


It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.


me: can i have a coke
waiter: is Pepsi ok?
me: ya pepsi’s fine
pepsi: i have a boyfriend


House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*