Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
#oldknees
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time