Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m pretty like a car crash.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
S/o to @funTweeters .
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.