Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

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– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America


Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.


[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”


date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features


[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far


ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?


Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they’re Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he’s got diabetes.


wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”


you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?