Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween