Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
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People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Jus’ sayin. 😐
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me if I was a dog
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date