Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
You Might Also Like
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.