Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.