Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
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Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
aura
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Camel dough
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.