Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
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“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Feels
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse