Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
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I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Yes 😂
