Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Actually cracking up @ this
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow