Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
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The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.