Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
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I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
They’re on their honeymoon
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Suuuuure
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Cheer up.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.